DR. RODRIGUEZ-SIUTS
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Prenatal and Postpartum Therapy
    • Reproductive Mental Health Therapy
    • General Maternal Mental Health
  • Patient Info
    • Patient Forms
    • Rates & Insurance
    • FAQ
    • Useful Therapeutic Apps
    • Patient Portal
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Prenatal and Postpartum Therapy
    • Reproductive Mental Health Therapy
    • General Maternal Mental Health
  • Patient Info
    • Patient Forms
    • Rates & Insurance
    • FAQ
    • Useful Therapeutic Apps
    • Patient Portal
  • Blog
  • Contact
Search

Men also grieve miscarriages. We have no idea what to do about it.

9/17/2020

0 Comments

 
"When my wife miscarried, I was alone in my mourning"
By Charles Feng| July 22, 2020
"Three years ago, my wife, daughter and I took a photo shivering on a beach amid the howling autumnal wind. Last year, for 11 glorious, anticipatory weeks, while my wife was pregnant, I planned to update the picture at the same location with a new baby in tow.

But that plan was abruptly upended when we had a miscarriage. Now that picture that sits on our mantel would still be just the three of us, squinting into the camera, buttressing one another against the cold.
​
The miscarriage itself lasted only a few hours. But the self-recrimination lingered long afterward because I wasn’t sure how to grieve when my wife’s emotional response seemed more important. When I searched online, women’s perspectives abounded on websites, in YouTube videos and in news articles, but men’s perspectives were scarce. Academic research was little better. A pattern emerged: Although there is a spotlight on Mom’s emotions and well-being during a miscarriage, Dad’s experiences are rarely discussed.
​
The pregnancy for our first daughter went smoothly. So, when my wife found out about our second pregnancy, we told family members and friends immediately after finding out, around the two-month mark. This meant that when the miscarriage occurred, we had to backtrack and explain to everyone what had happened, in painful conversations.

My wife’s friends, mostly women, showered her with messages and flowers. On the other hand, for the few friends, all men, I contacted, the comments ranged from the trite (“Sorry, that sucks”) to the callous (“Gotta try again!”) to, well, silence. My best friend, with the best of intentions, emailed my wife his condolences but excluded me.

Eventually, another friend who had recently experienced two miscarriages carved out some time to chat over dinner.
“How are you feeling, buddy?” he asked.

​“Okay,” I said.

“Tough as it seems right now, it does get better with time.”

“Good to know.” I felt like a sullen teenager.

“You know, while discussing miscarriages is in general taboo, for men it seems especially so,” he said.

He’s right.

The entire arc of the miscarriage, from conception to loss, occurs within the female body. Aside from contributing sperm, I felt like a bystander. I was traveling when my wife watched the double pink lines appear on the pregnancy test. She occasionally saw the obstetrician on her own and started organizing the baby’s room without my input. I had an ancillary role in the pregnancy, so I wasn’t sure I even had a right to feel devastated.

The event itself is permanently etched in my psyche. Throughout the night, my wife had unremitting abdominal pain. I was asleep when she barged through the door from the bathroom.

​“The baby’s gone,” she said through tears.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. I got up and hugged her. “What should we do now?”

“I don’t know.”

My wife went to the obstetrician, while I stayed home with our 2-year-old daughter.

After a sushi lunch — no longer pregnant, my wife could eat raw fish again — we dropped our daughter off at my parents’ house. To distract ourselves, we caught an animated movie. That evening, we drove to a deserted parking lot at the local elementary school. I shut off the car ignition and let the jazz radio buzz in the background. I held my wife’s hand as we stared into the darkness. We talked about the movie but little else.

The next day I was back at work.

The best thing I could do was to just be with her. I felt like I didn’t have a right to express my despair, so I actively suppressed my emotions. My wife needed to lean on me, so I became a stoic, unperturbable oak tree for her. According to a study published this year, after a miscarriage, men have described themselves, in supporting their wives, as “rocks, guards and repair men.” We adhere to traditional notions of masculinity, of being steady and capable, and never, ever succumbing to emotions."
Read more about Dad's emotions during a miscarriage
0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    February 2018
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    May 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    November 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016

    Categories

    All
    Anxiety
    Babies
    Baby
    Black Lives Matter
    Black Maternal Mental Health
    Black Motherhood
    Body Image
    Breakup
    Breastfeeding
    Breast Milk Anitibodies
    Cannabis And Breastfeeding
    Childbirth
    Childhood Anxiety
    Children
    Climate Change
    Cognitive Dissonance
    Communication
    Confidence
    Coping
    Coronavirus
    Counseling Scottsdale
    COVID 19
    COVID-19
    COVID 19 Vaccine And Pregnancy
    Depression
    Diversity
    Dr. Rodriguez Siuts
    Dr. Rodriguez-siuts
    Early Relationships
    Easy Dinner Recipes
    Economy
    Emotion
    Empaths
    Empathy
    Essential Oils Safety While Pregnant
    Exercise
    Failure
    Family Roadtrip
    Fathers
    Fear
    Feeding And Nutrition
    Fertility
    Finland
    Food And Mood
    Frontline Moms
    Gender Inequality
    Goal Setting
    Grief And Loss
    Guided Meditation
    Halloween Kids Crafts
    Happiness
    Healing
    Health
    Healthy Foods
    Healthy Gut
    Improved Mood
    Infant Mental Health
    Infertility
    Inspiration
    Kids At Home Art Activities
    Kids Mindfulness Activities
    Listening
    Marriage
    Maternal Mental Health
    Maternal Mental Health Disorders
    Maternal Mental Health Psychologist
    Maternity Costumes
    Meditation
    Meditation For Pregnancy
    Megan Markle
    Men And Postpartum Depression
    Men's Health
    Mental Health
    Mental Health Of Children And Parents
    Mindfullness
    Mindfulness
    Miscarriage
    Mom Guilt
    Motherhood
    Mothers In Crisis
    Motivation
    Newborn
    New Mom
    Nighttime Affirmations
    Nutrition
    Nutrition For The Brain
    Pandemic
    Pandemic Parenting
    Pandemic Pregnancy
    Pandemic Unemployment
    Parental Leave
    Parenting
    Perfectionism
    Performance
    Perimenopause
    Perinatal Anxiety
    Perinatal Depression
    Perinatal Mental Health
    Perinatalmooddisorders
    Personal Stories
    Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
    Positive Affirmations
    Positive Habits
    Positive Parenting
    Positive Pregnancy Affirmations
    Postpartum
    Postpartum Anxiety
    Postpartum Care
    Postpartum Depression
    Postpartum Fitness
    Postpartum Healing
    Postpartum Health
    Postpartum Mental Health
    Postpartum Mood Concerns
    Postpartum OCD
    Postpartum Psychosis
    Postpartum Recovery
    Postpartum Scary Thoughts
    Postpartum Self Care
    Postpartum Self-care
    Postpartum Support
    Postpartum Workouts
    Preemies
    Pregnancy
    Pregnancy Costumes
    Pregnancy Insomnia
    Pregnancy Loss
    Pregnancy Meditation
    Pregnancy Nutrition
    Pregnancy Pillows
    Pregnancy Risks
    Pregnancy Stretches
    Pregnancy Yoga
    Prenatal Care
    Prenatal Depression
    Prenatal Massage
    Prenatal Self Care
    Prenatal Self-care
    Prenatal Workouts
    Prenatal Yoga Bedtime
    Procrastination
    Relationship Advice
    Relationships
    Remedies Pregnancy Gas
    Reproductive Mental Health
    Sandra Rodriguez Siuts
    Sandra Rodriguez-siuts
    School Anxiety
    Scottsdale Psychologist
    Second Infertility
    Self-care
    Self-care Tips
    Sleep
    Sleep And Pregnancy
    Social Connectedness
    Social Justice
    Stay At Home Orders
    Stillborn
    Stress
    Success
    Suicide
    Surrogacy
    Teaching Kids Manners
    Teen Mental Health
    Therapy
    Therapy Phoenix
    Therapy Scottsdale
    Time Management Tips
    Traumatic Birth
    Webinar
    Well-behaved Kids
    Wellness
    Women
    Women Losing Jobs
    Women's Health
    Women's Health Psychologist
    Womens Health Psychologist
    Womens Mental Health
    Womens Psychology
    Working Moms
    Workplace
    Youth Sports
    Zulresso

    RSS Feed

Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
Picture
​SANDRA RODRIGUEZ-SIUTS, PH.D., LLC 

9590 E Ironwood Square Drive, Suite 210
Scottsdale, AZ 85258
Phone: (480) 473-5411
Fax: (480) 436-6900


© Copyright 2021 Sandra Rodriguez-Siuts, Ph.D. - All Rights Reserved
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Prenatal and Postpartum Therapy
    • Reproductive Mental Health Therapy
    • General Maternal Mental Health
  • Patient Info
    • Patient Forms
    • Rates & Insurance
    • FAQ
    • Useful Therapeutic Apps
    • Patient Portal
  • Blog
  • Contact