By: Rachel Gurevich, RN |Medically reviewed by Meredith Shur, MD on April 20, 2020
"Infertility is difficult to live with. That said, sometimes, we make things harder on ourselves. Not intentionally or consciously, of course. We may not know it can be any other way. Or we just don't realize we're self-sabotaging ourselves.
Here are some things you should stop doing if you are fertility challenged, so you can start living a better, fuller life.
1. Stop Blaming Yourself
Maybe you waited "too long" to start a family. Maybe something foolish you did as a college student has wreaked havoc with your fertility. Maybe you wonder if that year you decided to live on only fast food wasn't the brightest idea.
Or, perhaps you have no idea what could possibly have led to your current fertility woes. But you're sure it's something you could have stopped had you only known better.
You need to stop blaming yourself. Even if you can find a way to somehow make it "your fault," you should still stop blaming yourself. It doesn't help. It just depresses you.
Plus, most cases of infertility are either not preventable or not predictable. You really can't know if you had done something different whether you'd be a Fertile Myrtle or not. Drop the blame, and focus on what's most important now--moving forward and tackling the problem.
2. Stop Waiting for a Miracle
If you have been trying to conceive for more than a year (or more than six months, if you're over 35), and you have not succeeded, it's time to see a doctor. Some couples decide this advice isn't really for them, though. It's for those other people. You know, the infertile ones. They decide to keep trying on their own and pray for a miracle.
Here's the problem with that thinking: There are some causes of infertility that worsen with time. While you pray for your miracle, your chances may be quickly disappearing.
There's nothing wrong with deciding to keep trying and wait on treatment, or even deciding not to pursue fertility treatment in the end. But you shouldn't avoid fertility testing. At least find out what is wrong and what your options may be.
Get checked out, both you and your partner, and confirm that whatever is wrong can wait. Then, if you want, set a "miracle waiting" period. Speak to your doctor about how long they think you can try without losing valuable time.
3. Stop Feeling Hopeless
A diagnosis of infertility can hit a person hard. Sometimes, it's difficult to see past the next couple of days or weeks. You may feel hopeless, certain that you will never conceive or that your life will never be happy.
If you can't conceive a biological child, maybe you can use an embryo donor, egg donor, or sperm donor. If you can't use donor gametes, maybe you can adopt. If you can't adopt, remember that people can live childfree and have happy, normal lives.
To be clear, these other possibilities don't magically make the pain go away. You will need time for grieving and healing from the trauma of infertility.
However, when you start to wonder if you will never have a child, or when you start to think your life is ruined, try as best as you can to hold onto at least a sliver of hope. There is life after infertility. Please remember that.
While it's possible you won't conceive, you'll feel better if you can keep your thoughts focused on the positive possibilities. Low-tech treatments work for many couples. Your chances for success may be better than you think. Speak to your doctor about your particular prognosis.
4. Stop Acting Helpless
Most couples are extremely pro-active in their care. But not everyone realizes they are the decision makers.
To the couples whose doctors tell them they are "too young," despite trying for over a year...
To the couples whose fertility clinics refused to try IVF with their own eggs because their chances aren't great, not realizing that the clinic probably doesn't want to "ruin" their track record with a risk...
To the women whose doctors won't test or treat them until they lose weight, but leave it to them to figure out how exactly to do so...
You are not as helpless as it seems. If the doctor you're seeing refuses to run an evaluation, go find a new doctor. If a clinic turns you down because your chances are "too low," seek out a second opinion.
If your doctor tells you to lose weight, be sure they evaluate and treat any hormonal imbalances that may make losing weight difficult, and ask for a referral to a nutritionist.
Maybe go get a second opinion on whether you really need to lose weight first.
You have so much more power than you realize. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
4. Stop Living in Two-Week Increments
This is a basic one but so common it deserves special mention. When you're trying to conceive, your life can easily fall into two-week increments: the two weeks you wait for ovulation, followed by the two weeks you wait to take a pregnancy test.
The worst part about this is there are no breaks; there's no anxiety-free time when you're anxious about ovulating or anxious about feeling pregnant.
While it's unrealistic to think you'd be able to just drop all the fretting, you should at least try to live beyond the two-week wait craziness. You may need the support of friends, a support group, or a counselor to learn how. But it's possible.
4. Stop Basing Self-Worth on Fertility
Infertility can make you feel worthless. Broken. Ashamed. These are all very common feelings, experienced by men and women who live with infertility.
Before you started trying to conceive, before you ever realized you faced infertility, you probably felt different about yourself—hopefully more positive. You need to remember that the old you is still there. You don't become someone else when you're diagnosed with infertility.
If you were awesome and lovable before infertility, then you're just as awesome and lovable after. If you doubt this, think about what you'd say to a friend who told you they felt ashamed and worthless because of their infertility. You probably wouldn't say to them, "Yep, you're right. You're worthless!" No way.
You know it's not true of a friend, and you need to understand it's also not true of yourself. You are so much more than your fertility."
Infertility the second time around
By: Ellen S. Glazer, LICSW| February 4, 2020
Most anyone who has struggled with secondary infertility knows that it is an incredibly lonely experience. You may be blessed with one or two children — possibly more — but struggling to expand or complete your family. Surrounded by families with young children, you find yourself alone and in pain.
If you are a veteran of primary infertility, you may remember strategies you developed for shielding yourself from the pregnancies of others. Not so this second time around: pregnant women and moms with babies and toddlers surround you at preschool.
If you had your first child with ease and are new to infertility, you may feel even less equipped to deal with seemingly limitless fecundity. Primary infertility prepared your fellow travelers for the envy, anger, sadness, isolation, and awkwardness it brings. For you these feelings are new, and along with them comes the guilt of secondary infertility: “Why can’t I be happy with the child I have?” Today we’ll focus on ways you can cope with secondary infertility.
The first few steps to coping with secondary infertility
Seek good medical care. If you went through primary infertility, you know the ropes of the world of reproductive medicine. However, if this is all new to you, do not delay in seeking expert help. There is a lot to learn in reproductive medicine. Beginning to understand it may help you feel that you have some control of your situation. Don’t be reluctant to seek a second and even a third opinion — you will learn from each consult, and talking with a few physicians can help land you in the right place.
Try to avoid self-blame. It is tempting to blame yourself. You are a likely target if you feel you waited too long to have a second child, or perhaps blame yourself for not having your first child sooner. If you have two or more children and are struggling to complete your family, you may accuse yourself of greed. Another form of self-blame comes when parents feel they are being punished for not fully appreciating or enjoying the child they have, or worse still, being “bad” parents.
Take charge of the message. Although many people choose to have one child and feel confident with “one and done,” there is often the assumption that a family means two or more children. As a parent of one child, you are likely to frequently encounter the following questions: “Is she your only child?” or “Are you going to have more?”
It helps to figure out a short, direct, and containable message to give anyone who asks about family size. Something like, “We’re hoping to have a larger family, but it’s not been easy for us.” Or “___ is our first child, but we are hoping he/she will have a sibling before too long.”
Additional ways to cope with secondary infertility
Try not to focus on age. Many parents think a lot about the spacing of their children. Secondary infertility derails plans for ideal spacing — whatever that may mean to you. My advice to people is blunt: let it go. I remind clients that close or distant relationships with siblings are not defined by spacing. All of us know adults who cherish their sister or brother 10 or 15 years their junior, but argue constantly with the sibling who is within two years of their age.