5 Secrets to Living Happily Ever After | By Susan Seliger
"We've all read the statistics: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Are the lucky couples who continue to love and lust and live in relative harmony just that -- people whom the fates have blessed? Over Cupid's dead body! Love isn't a present that gets handed to you; it's a special kind of learned behavior. WebMD consulted the marriage and relationship experts to learn the best advice for a good marriage - five secrets to long-lasting love.
"We're born with the capacity to have a happy marriage, but we still have to work to develop it," says Howard Markham, PhD, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. "Having a good marriage takes education," Markham says. "We have to unlearn some bad habits and acquire other good ones.
Other experts WebMD consulted agree. The couples who remain close and content are the pioneer-spirited among us who share the same secret formula: When problems crop up, they don't give up. They use the following five basic pieces of advice for a good marriage that can help every couple live (more) happily ever after.
1. Listen Up!
"Everybody has the need to be listened to and fully understood," says Jack Rosenblum, PhD, co-founder (with his wife of 29 years) of "Loveworks" couples' workshops and co-author of Five Secrets of Marriage from the Heart. You need to make your partner feel heard, even if that means pushing aside some anxiety or sitting on your hands rather than offering advice when your partner needs to talk. Sometimes "mirroring," or simply repeating what your spouse has said, is enough to let him or her know that you've been listening. For example, say something like, "I understand you're upset because I didn't take out the trash." Or "I hear that you want to talk about what happened at the office today." Provide evidence that you're paying attention to your partner's concerns.
2. Set aside regular couple time.
"Early on in a relationship couples talk as friends, they do fun things," says Markham. "But over time, those ways of connecting change." Work, family, financial woes, all have a way of overtaking daily life and eroding the sense of fun that brought you two together in the first place. Bring the fun back - even if you have to schedule it in the calendar once every week. Sharing a physical activity, like a bike ride or a walk around the block, is especially good for lifting your spirits along with your heart rate. Activities like going out for an intimate dinner, staying at home and playing music from your college days, or watching a favorite movie (will help you both remember why you chose each other. If cash is in short supply, trade off babysitting with a friend and plan a picnic in the park. There are 168 hours in a week: make a commitment to devote at least two of those hours to your marriage every week.
3. Don't throw things.
Of course, you and your partner are not going to agree about everything. But in expressing disagreement to your partner, playground rules apply -- no insults, name calling, or throwing things. "If you disagree, do it in a civil way," says Jack Rosenblum. "Don't make the other person wrong, don't say he's stupid. Instead, say, 'You think we ought to do this. I have another thought about it.'" If your disagreement seems to be escalating, call a mutually agreed upon time-out, and make a plan to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period. Keeping things on a calm, even keel is better for your blood pressure and your marriage. When in doubt, follow Ogden Nash's sage advice for resolving conflicts:
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
Whenever you're right, shut up.
4. Turn up the heat.
"If your sex life is diminishing or you're not having sex as often as one partner in the relationship would like, then you have to make getting your intimate life back on track a priority," says Markham. "It's ironic that when we're wooing our partners, we make this tremendous effort, and after we get into a relationship, we put that on the back burner." Think about your partner as someone you want - and someone you want to entice to fall in love with you over and over again. "Pay attention to your grooming, be romantic, don't take your partner for granted," advises Markham. "Think about your mate as someone you want to end up in bed with at the end of the evening."
"The pain of pregnancy loss lingers and can take a toll on your relationship."
By: Mira Ptacin| April 19, 2020
Photo: Mira Ptacin and her husband, Andrew, wed one month after a pregnancy loss.Credit...via Mira Ptacin
"Five months into my pregnancy and moments after we went in for a sonogram, a deafening silence filled the air. The image on the ultrasound screen revealed the child in my womb had a constellation of birth defects and no chance of survival outside of my body.
Right after doctors gave me the diagnosis — holoprosencephaly — I was given three options: terminate the pregnancy, induce and deliver a doomed fetus or wait for the tragedy to unfold on its own terms. Ten days later, I was no longer pregnant. One month after that, my fiancé, Andrew, and I got married. My breasts were leaking milk, I was wearing a trampoline-sized maxi pad and still bleeding when I said the words “I do.”
Since this loss 12 years ago, I’ve seen my share of therapists and bereavement experts. As Andrew and I waded through the bleary stages of our sorrow, many of these professionals warned us that divorce rates after experiencing child loss are staggeringly high. “Up to 90 percent” was the common refrain — a statistic most likely drawn from one of the earliest books on grief and child loss, Harriet Schiff’s groundbreaking “The Bereaved Parent.”
But this book was published in 1977, and Schiff’s study is hardly conclusive. First of all, she cites little empirical evidence. Also, it’s hard to statistically control for all the variables in a relationship; separating the influence of child loss from other causes of marital problems in bereaved couples is essentially impossible. Still, professional therapists, grief counselors and couples can agree on this: Marriage is difficult, and managing to stay married after the death of your child is incredibly, incredibly difficult.
“You’re the only two people who have shared the loss of your child, and it feels like you can get lost in the pain,” said Anne Belden, M.S., a family planning coach who runs a private practice that focuses on women and couples who are going through infertility, adoption and child loss. “To look in the eyes of your partner and see equally deep despair — it magnifies your pain and can almost be too much to bear.”
Being with your own grief is hard enough, Belden explained, but sometimes, sharing our sorrow with the person who has experienced the loss with us fails to promote healing. Quite often, the opposite occurs."