Setting Healthy Boundaries with Others

Having healthy boundaries is important for taking care of your mental and emotional health, but understanding boundaries in relationships can be confusing. Boundaries are confusing because you can’t see boundaries, they’re not always clear, and they can change as you grow older or as situations change.

What Are Boundaries?

Think of human boundaries like an invisible fence between your yard and your neighbor’s yard. Boundaries are essentially rules in a relationship. They help you decide what behavior you are okay with and what you are not okay with.

Healthy boundaries are limits you set to protect your time, feelings, energy, and personal space. They help keep you from feeling overwhelmed or worn out by other people. When you set healthy boundaries with others, you protect your mental and emotional health. Boundaries are beneficial because they help prevent burnout, stress, and feeling like you’re doing too much for everyone else.

What Are Unhealthy Boundaries?

Unhealthy boundaries can make you feel like people are using you, taking up too much of your time, pushing your comfort level, exhausting you, or constantly offending you. When you’re not familiar with setting boundaries, you might struggle saying no to others, take on other people’s problems, or feel tired and stressed from doing too much for others. If this sounds like you, it may mean you need to implement healthier boundaries with others.

Learning to set boundaries can be hard, especially if you’re used to always saying yes or this is a new skill for you. At first, saying no might make you feel guilty and anxious, but if you don’t set boundaries, you may end up feeling annoyed, stressed, or resentful towards others. You may find that it’s worth feeling a little uncomfortable at first so that you can enjoy the long-term benefits of having healthier relationships with others.

How to Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries allows you to let people know what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. Boundaries help you stay in control of your choices, your time, and your feelings. Here are some steps to help you create, set, and keep healthy boundaries.

To communicate a boundary, use clear "I" statements to state your feelings and needs, explain the specific behavior and desired change calmly (e.g., "I feel overwhelmed when you raise your voice with me; I need you to speak more calmly so we can continue this conversation") Be prepared to consistently follow through with a gentle consequence, like stepping away, to show you're serious, focusing on your needs without blame. 

1. Identify Your Boundary

• Know Your Limits: Understand what you're okay with and what you're not, based on your values and needs.

• Define the "Why": Know why this boundary is important for your well-being. 

  
  

2. Create Your Message (The "I" Statement Formula)

• Start with "I feel" [Insert your emotion]: Focus on your emotion, not their action (e.g., "I feel disrespected," not "You're being disrespectful"). 

• State the Behavior: Clearly describe the specific action that crosses your boundary (e.g., "when you raise your voice").

• State Your Need/Request: Explain what you need instead (e.g., "I need you to speak calmly").

• Add a Consequence (Optional but Helpful): State what you will do if the boundary is crossed (e.g., "I cannot continue this conversation if you speak to me like that. I will leave the room if you continue.").

• Put it all together: "I feel disrespected when you raise your voice with me. I need you to speak calmly so we can continue this conversation. I will not be able to continue this conversation if you raise your voice again and I will leave the room."

  
  

3. Tips

• Be Clear & Direct: Don't hint; be straightforward and respectful.

• Stay Calm & Respectful: Use a calm voice and breathing techniques to manage emotions.

• Don't Over-Explain: You don't need to justify your feelings, just state them.

• Use "We" statements (Carefully): To avoid blame, try "We both need to work on this," or "I need us to find a way to manage this". 

  
  

4. Follow Through and Be Consistent

• Being Consistent is crucial. Consistently enforce the boundary so others learn to respect it.

• Expect Resistance: Some people may push back, especially if they've benefited from you having no boundaries.

• Follow Through with Consequences: If they cross the boundary, calmly enact the consequence you stated (e.g., leave the room).

  
  

​​​​If you're struggling with boundaries and would like to learn how to properly implement them, contact. Dr. Sandra Rodriguez-Siuts. Dr. Sandra Rodriguez-Siuts is a licensed psychologist and is dedicated to supporting women’s mental health. Contact Dr. Sandra Rodriguez-Siuts to get started with either in-person or online therapy today. She is located in Scottsdale, Arizona, but is licensed to practice online therapy in 43 states. Visit her 'Get Started' page for more information to begin addressing your concerns and getting support today!​​